Happy Birthday Emily

15 years old?! What happened? It seemed like yesterday I had a sweet little baby girl. Now she is in the midst of being a teenager, trying to figure things out, feeling stifled by everything I do. Wanting to be heard and thinking she is old enough to get out there and do it all on her own. My Emily is a tough cookie. She tries really hard not to care what people think. She doesn’t put up with people’s “crap” for a lack of a better word. She can’t wait to get out on her own and have her own way to do everything.  

What I find funny is that I am not a full fledge girlie-girl I am not a tomboy either. I am a mix of both. I love a pretty dress and my chick flicks. I cry at movies; happy or sad. And when a movie breaks out in song my day is so much brighter. So when I had a girl, I assumed she would be my mini-me! She would love cartoons on a Saturday morning and help go to the hardware store in the afternoon. NOPE. I was so wrong. My daughter hates musicals; she was forced to watch Grease. How does MY daughter not love Sandy and Danny? She doesn’t like cartoons or sit and watch them like I did. In middle school and high school I watched ‘Jem and the Holograms’ and ‘Duck Tales.’ She hates stuff like that or any cartoon. I love vintage, rhinestones and the Andrew Sisters and she does not. I love making crafts and buying them at shows and she does not. I love Hallmark movies and cry at every one of them, she does not and gets mad if I make her sit with me. Hmmmm. I may have her DNA checked. But she looks like her Dad so I suppose she is ours!

It was so easy when she was a little girl. I dressed her in dresses, bows in her hair and she wanted to do everything I did. It was so sweet. Then she got older and then…….it went straight down hill. She started frowning at dresses and only wears them when nothing else is clean. She loves Horror movies. She loves staying home, she doesn’t like to go and do fun stuff like parks or swim at the pool. She would rather be home listening to music and on the computer. She hates to go out and browse around Target. What girl hates that? Especially my kid…Target is my FAVORITE?? She does like to get clothes thankfully, but hates trying them on. Well most girls hate that. But she would rather not buy it or have it not fit then to just try it on. She loves espresso dark coffee and buffalo wing sauce. I just assumed she would like what I do. I guess I just pictured us crying it up at Sleepless in Seattle and repeating every word. She is for sure her own person, sometimes out of who she is and sometimes out of spite I think!

I sure love her though. She is my Emily. The moment I was pregnant with her I knew she was a girl and I knew her name was Emily. I loved and still do Michael W. Smith and his song Emily. It made me cry when I first heard it and I knew I would one day have a little girl with that name

Caught, in an endless time
Waiting for a sign
To show you where to go
Lost, in a silent stare
Looking anywhere
For answers you don't know
Chorus:
On the wire
Balancing your dreams
Hoping ends will meet their means
You feel alone
Uninspired
Well does it help you to
Know that I believe in you
You're an angel waiting for wings...Emily

* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oL_ePIomM4&feature=related *

We sure have been through a lot with her. My heart ached when I was told my baby would be disabled. How could that be? I always dreamed of a pink healthy baby! I knew I would take her no matter what but my heart ached for her challenges ahead. My heart sank the first time she got her wheelchair, her “legs”. Maybe carrying her around as a baby I could almost forget. But that day as she sat there in her new chair I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my face. As happy as I was to see her sweet smile she was so proud that she could just took off in it as fast as could be! I realized she would more than likely be stuck in a wheelchair her whole life. She would never twirl in a dress, going up and down a slide or rocking out at a school dance, or be walked down the aisle by her dad. I mean who pictures their child in a wheelchair? Life is hard enough. She has had so many surgeries and we have almost lost her a few times. No words could explain that feeling of wondering if this is the last time you can hug and kiss your child. Talk with them and laugh at something together or even fight about something together. My heart breaks as I see her sit with her friends. I want her to feel cute in her cute jeans and new top, to run around with them laughing and being silly. Instead her jeans and shirt are crumpled because she is always sitting. She can’t always go where her friends are going because there are so many places her chair won’t allow her to go. It is so unfair, but life is just that.

 How long will she live since her body takes such a toll every day? Will someone look past her disability and want to marry her?  She is okay now knowing she cannot have kids but will that someday break her heart? Will she understand it is too much on her body? Goodness all that on top of the regular stuff can certainly take its toll! Emily is a blessing and most days we are just fine, but there are some days it hits so hard I can barely breathe. But today is her birthday, it is a celebration! I LOVE her SO very much. I can’t wait to see as she is figuring it all out who she will be, what the end result will be.

So here is to my Emily, my Emilateta Conchita Tortilla y Taco Bella….Emmy, Emmers, Emmerson, and Happy Birthday Emily! I’ll love you forever. I’ll like for always. As long as I’m living my baby you will be!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I know Matthew has pictures of when he was a baby on his entry but in true teenage fashion I was told NO WAY MOM!!! So maybe I will sneak some anyway! ;)