GRRRRR!

I always try to be positive, but grrrrr!

Boy, I wish things were different.


I wish family was close. I do not mean by distance, like neighbors, but just close and they are not. I have recently decided to stop trying to get it that way. I finally realize it just may not be meant to be. I have prayed and tried my best and I just end up disappointed. So maybe even with prayers it just not the way it is. It is sad, but sadder to keep fighting it and not to just realize it and try to move on. So moving on it is. I have my wonderful husband and two kids who I adore even though half the time I would like to duct tape them to a chair! :) But past them, even though there is love because no matter what family is family, I can no longer worry about it, stress about it or feel like I have to try so hard. We are not a priority to them at all. It just plain hurts the more I try. I can no longer allow it to weigh me down. I worry way to much about what I say, how I say it, when I say it, what I do how it effects everyone else. And it really doesn't feel like I get that back! It is all...exhausting! So in a way I quit! ;)


I wish I had more real friends....you know people who only call when they need something, never to hang out....that is not a friend at all. It seems I have more of those then anything. What is funny is that I have noticed people in my life are so judgmental they can't see what they do, but have no trouble judging what I do! I sit and listen and I am not allowed to say a word. Yet if I have a problem there is no listening it is only how I should change it or deal with it. I just wanted an ear not a mouth!

Another example I had been asked to upload songs on an iPod which is in a way "stealing" from the artist but when I said we beileve in Santa I got a lecture on lying and how God says lying is wrong....they even told my son there was no Santa on Christmas Eve! And they were appauld at me? And even more judgement that I had to fib about something, nothing huge a little white lie as not to hurt someone’s feelings.....but I was judged ....ummmmmmmm what? They don't even really talk to us over that! Like I want to talk to them. If we are going to get technical what they did is bad too, worse in my book. I just want to scream you are no better then me sin is sin my frie...wait....my person who I know because friend you are no longer, and may I boldy say your loss! And even after that they called to have us babysit! Oh my! I am still neighborly, because that is what Jesus would stinkin' do. But they are no longer anyone I would count on or think of as a true  friend.

Now I am lucky to reconnect with "old" friends who are on facebook. Some I never lost touch with, but some I did but never stop thinking about them. And it is amazing to reconnect! And I even get to see some extended family and what they are doing in life. It's good to have that fun support online and see where everyone is at!


I wish my kids could do things on their own and still not need so much done at their age! I didn't need this much help at either of their ages, either did Eric. I have tried everything, trust me. I will just keep praying and just try to survive this season of being a mom.


I wish my carpet wasn't the cheapest the Lincoln Housing could find, not to mention cheap counters, toilets, linoleum, ummmm everything! Plus love the chain link fence nothing says time to relax like staring into your neighbor’s yard and their house if a window happens to be open! Love the privacy we earned!


I especially wish my daughter could run, jump, dance, stand up and get her own drink of water. Yeah feeling sorry for myself today as a mom who can't fix it. We deal with it and handle it most days. But there are those days it hurts, please get this cement truck off my chest I can barley breathe it hurts so much days...today is one of those days. She has been more vocal about her struggles so it is heavy on my heart.


I really wish my Daddy was here. We'd talk about politics. We'd listen to Ray LaMontagne and say how he is a throwback to "when songs were good" We'd watch The Bill Engval Show and say it is so nice to have a good family show on. He would adore my kids be proud of my husband. He'd make sure everyone was doing right by each other. He would be just be here. I miss him and somethings would not be the way they are if he was here.


So there are a few things I "wish" yet I can change a one of them. So that kinda stinks. I will now just go (just for awhile) and feel sorry for myself, not too long... the Serenity Prayer comes to mind......


So grrrrr! And next blog I will be my usual delightful self!!! ;)
xoxoxoxo