Grace in the Rain

         My family watched this new family moving in across the street. We wondered what their story was and who they were. The husband asked my husband if he’d help him bring in a couch. We ended up chatting for awhile. Finding out all the details…kids, rate/rank where they were from....all the basics! We’d wave and say hello; chat outside while their daughter Kayla yelled, “What’s dat?? What’s dat??”  Their son Logan would come over to play with Matthew. We were friendly enough that we knew if we needed anything we would help each other out. I love great neighbors! I was thrilled for them when they announced they would soon be adding to their family and so excited when they found out it was triplets! Norman left on deployment which was tough for the whole family. Deployments always are. Kathy’s belly was growing by the minute because those 3 babies needed some stretching room! Soon she was in need of bed rest which was a challenge with two young kids.

        Then things started to seem a bit more serious. What started out as a concerned doctor’s visit turned in to a stay at the hospital. A lot of help was needed. I was truly amazed by the kindness our neighbors all showed her, everyone helping when they could. Then more people started to pitch in. There was the church, the command, friends and family; lots of love, support and prayers from all.  

       My family and I was blessed enough to get the kiddos! And we enjoyed every stinkin’ minute! Logan is a tough kiddo! He takes being the man of the house when dad is gone very seriously! He still took care of his house even though he was staying at ours. He would let me know the trash needed to be taken out, the plants needed to be watered and what Kayla’s likes and dislikes were. He really is a great kid who I sometimes must remind myself he is only 6 years old, because he is so smart! Kayla is full of energy and at the stage where she picks up so many things! Good thing she wasn’t around for too many Denver Bronco games, she might have picked up a bit more then she should have! She is always happy, laughing and giggling like little girls do. She gives the sweetest kisses and LOVES to paint and color. These kids are amazing!

   Thankfully Norman was finally able to get home to be with his family. And things starting moving fast once he did. The babies had to come out which was so hard because so much time was spent trying to keep them in. Even when the doctors thought about sending Kathy home she said NO WAY! She knew what was best for her babies and was fighting for them before they even came out! Her fight was long and hard but those babies seemed to make their way out anyway. Those sweet little angles were so tiny and so fragile…..but yet such fighters! I know without doubt they could feel how much they were loved. And boy where they! You could see how much Wyatt, Ava and Luke were loved by their family. Logan is a pro at being a big brother so he was quite comfortable smiling at them as he set his hand on the glass to say hi. He even got to hold them. Kayla wanted to pick them up right away because clearly these were real baby dolls for her to hold and love. She would kiss them through the glass and couldn’t wait to touch them.

   Norman is a bit quiet at first, but I tell you something, he is loud about how much he LOVES his family! Just by the way he talks about them you can tell. It was a lot for him to deal with knowing his family was struggling and he couldn’t be there right away. He had to just wait and hear. Then he traveled half way around the world to get home to be by his wife and children’s side. Just in the way he talked about the triplets you could tell he was frustrated he couldn’t just fix it.  He expressed concern about Kathy; he wanted to make sure she was taking care of herself because as a mom it is easy to set our needs aside when our kids need us. He would divide his time between the hospital and home. He would get Logan off to school and to Karate and before he dropped off Kayla to me in the morning he even did her hair……well kinda ;) And then off to the hospital to be with the babies and Kathy.
    
   I admire Kathy for having faith and strength when doctors gave advice on how to handle things and what to do. Caring and fighting for Wyatt, Ava and Luke whether they were inside or out. I saw how she stood over their beds and the hope that poured out against the odds. She had a special bond with them, like momsdo because as a mom you get the privilege of carrying them under your heart. She wanted to just take away their pain; kiss it and make it better. I saw her heart ache and it made mine ache for her.

   Most of us have had loss in our lives we all just have different stories on how we got there. And there are going to be days that seem worse than others. I pray that on the road ahead that the good days outweigh the bad ones. That the support and love shown by everyone won’t just stop in a week or month, but for as long as they need it. We are here to listen or to just be there. This is something you just can’t get over or just move on from. You move forward step by step. There really are no profound words that can express the loss of these sweet babies. No words could do justice to the mysteries of God in the midst of this heartache. But know that God can handle the hurt, the pain and the questions you have. He will help you see the joy and the light these babies have had on your life. 

  I was able to meet Wyatt, Ava and Luke and see firsthand how even though their time here was brief on this earth, they were given kisses and held by the hands of people who loved them so much; sooo much they will feel it until they are able to be held again by those hands! I was so humbled to be allowed in, not just into meet these tiny miracles, but to be a part of this journey, this chapter in this family’s life. They are not just my neighbors. I wasn’t only helping out and they weren’t just borrowing a cup of sugar.  They are my dear friends who are going through something that no words or a cup of sugar could fix. I love and care for them deeply and so does my family. And they will have a special place in our hearts forever.

 ****I wrote that a year ago to read at the babies memorial. When I look back at this time it still hurts my heart. It has been a hard year but I can say that this family has moved forward. They can see the light ahead. There are still dark days, but the light is there. They really didn’t get to focus on celebrating the birth of Wyatt, Ava and Luke. It was survival mode to grief mode. But now is the time to celebrate them. Because no matter how briefly they were here on earth, they are still their children. They will see them again and it will just be a longer wait then they would like. I know there is no way to escape the thoughts of, “Why?” and “What if?” There are thoughts of blame, and anger and sadness. I know their heart skips a beat when they see a baby about their age and can’t help but wistfully wanting them by their side. The hurt is deep. It is all a part of the grieving. It is true that those feelings will never go away completely. But if they keep moving forward the pain is easier to deal with and it gets further away even thought their memory doesn’t. The pain fades behind and joy takes the focus. It is the joy of having the chance to fight for them, to hold them, to love them and to kiss them…….and knowing they will see them again. So today we are celebrating that joy. In their honor today we will get together and have a balloon release to send some love up to heaven! Lots of blessings for this family today.   

Married But Single

The Anthem of Military Wives everywhere!

As a military wife you are in a unique position: married and single! Where is that option on facebook?! I know you know what I am talking about. You are married; heck you even have a military ID that says dependent….Spouse! You have family pictures, clothes in a closet, and golf clubs in the trunk. I have proof! Yet 6 months, maybe a year, or even for some 18 months at a time you feel a bit single. You and you alone keep things going and running smoothly… Well I don’t. I am a hot mess at times, but I hear others do have the whole running smoothly thing down pat and I long to be just like them someday!  Now I will say it is to be expected that the big holidays are going to be tough. You already gear for it. You can handle anything because of course… you are a military wife! You have mastered the smile that says, “I’ve got this. Everything is fine.” You flash it to everyone; to your kids, family, friends, neighbors and even a checker at the store. You just deal with it and soldier {or sailor} on as they say! Why does it even matter when your cutie is in a pirate costume with an eye patch, or a sweet little princess saying, “Twick or tweet” that your hubby is missing it? You will take a million pictures anyway and it will be okay. Why does it matter that on Thanksgiving he is not there? So what that you still made a 25 pound turkey and all the dark meat is left because he usually eats it. And what does it matter that you wrap all the Christmas gifts alone and try to put a bike together at midnight and set them under the tree wishing he was right there to kiss you under the mistletoe. What does it matter bringing in a New Year alone clicking your glass in the air instead of with his? I mean no big deal that the kids are in bed and your only companion to kiss at midnight is your dog! I love my dog! Plus, just think another year down and another year closer to retirement! What other occasions are there that doesn’t matter?......Who can forget Valentine’s Day when it is marked with flowers sent by a delivery guy and not your guy with a note typed out and not a handwritten note of expressed love and wishes of being together. And who could forget Anniversaries, baby’s first words, rolling over and steps, the first day of school, first soccer game or awards at school. Or a teenager’s first date, first crush or even a first break-up. Their first driving lesson, first life lesson and even Graduation as they look out into a crowd and flash a smile that looks all too familiar. That is big stuff, and it is tough for sure.

We have missed many of these special moments and I wonder how many will fall during a deployment in the future. What is funny….I can almost handle those big things, I am ready for it. I brace myself and I get the camera ready. For me it is the little things that really seem to take their toll. Inside jokes, laughing at the same thing, a look that says I know you know I know! Just knowing he is there for back up with the kids! Someone to vent to because he gets you and he still loves you even if you sound a bit crazy! Seeing your kids do something wonderful and not having him across the room to share a proud smile with in that moment, you smile but all you think is, “He missed it.” Then your heart sinks for him, your kiddo and you. Time is quite precious. Things like watching a movie and as a romantic scene comes on he isn’t there to hold your hand and wink or even wipe away your tears that are streaming down your face. There is a lot of alone time when he is gone and quite frankly………it SUCKS! Crawling into bed with more room than you would like feels so lonely. There are no blankets to fight for and no snoring to keep you awake. Man alive I never thought I would miss snoring but if you hear snoring he is there and so I miss it! Of course about a month after he is home and I can’t sleep I have to smack him in the middle of the night to get him to stop. I may eat those words! I find these moments are the hardest. At first, when he leaves I find myself looking at the clock knowing when would normally be on his way home. After a month or so I look at the time and know a long evening is ahead. During the day he is normally gone. I am used to dealing with the kids, the errands, the house, the bustle of the day. But as dinnertime rolls around and then into the wee small hours of the morning, that’s the time you miss him most of all {thanks for the song Ms. Carly Simon}. Each day has its own difficulties and trials. You deal with your emotions which often take a back seat because you’re dealing with the kids emotions with all this. There is not a lot worse than a tear stained face looking up at you as they miss their daddy. Eventually the days do pass and the countdown begins. You have stacks of love letters, well folders of emails J that create a timeline of events while he was away. If you are lucky you have phone calls and really lucky maybe even Skype calls….Wow! I think of the 40’s where they only had a telegram and old fashion “snail mail” to rely on to keep up your their affair. Each day brings you closer and you are wistfully dreaming of the day he gets off that boat or plane! You spot him and your heart beats faster so much you think others can surely hear it. He gets closer and closer as you hold your welcome home signs higher and before you know it he is in your arms. It is so exciting because it has been so long but yet it is nearly new! But then you start to melt in a bit and it is this warm familiar safe embrace that you will never forget and it feels like home. He IS home.  

You both are smiling and can’t stop. You keep looking over at each other almost scared to look away in case it is just a dream. You reach over and touch his arm…….nope he is real! You head home!

OH WAIT….. HOME! On no! The house did not get as organized as hoped, the grass has crazy lines in it and is totally uneven, the car has only been washed twice while he was gone…shhh… hope he doesn’t notice. There has been a frisbee stuck on the roof since about a week after he left because no one is tall enough or brave enough to get on the roof to fish it down. The kids broke a few *ehem*cough*a lot*cough* of things that need to be fixed. Seriously the honey do list is long! And to be honest with you, you probably didn’t lose the weight you had hoped or maybe that is just me! Hopefully he will be so happy to be home he won’t notice! There is so much to do! Boy if I only had another week or two to get ready…..just kidding!

So here is to all those tired wives waiting for their back up, their inside jokester, their lawn care specialist, car mechanic, and pest removal..ist ;) best friend who takes their breath away one day and then drives them crazy the next….You married but single ladies doing it all alone who I admire and adore…THANK YOU! Thank you for all you do! Taking care of the home front, allowing your husband to focus on defending our country, fight for our freedom and even the freedom of others. Our husbands are heroes…… but you are also mine!  


xoxoxoxo

Here are few pictures of my first day of being single but married......but soon.....back to married! ;)

Calling All Nerds!

   So there it was.....beautiful California weather, the sky a vibrant light blue dotted with fluffy white clouds taking on shapes. The birds were chirping and the warmness of the sun was spilling over the flowers. Glorious!… or so I am told. I was inside for 2 days making a permanent dent in my couch trying to get my children tickets to see their most favorite actor…okay for me too! J See,  Zachary Levi is our MOST favorite actor! Now I do loves me some Bruce Willis, but who doesn’t as he walks across glass….Yippee Aye Yay  Mother F.…Oh wait….family blog! And I adore Tom Hanks who I have loved since he donned a brunette wig and pearls in Bosom Buddies. And of course Scott Bakula in Necessary Roughness and ‘Oh Boy’ Quantum Leap! But you see Zachary Levi of CHUCK is collectively our super most favorite; our #1....P.S. Scott Bakula played Zac's Dad on CHUCK! I know cool right? I got quite a few calls because my two worlds had collided! Anyway I liked Zac since awhile back when he was in a show called “Less the Perfect” with Sara Rue {Emily’s number one want for Christmas this year!} We have seen his movies like Spiral, Shades of Ray, Chipmunks the Squeakquel, and his most recent as the voice of Flynn Rider a.k.a Eugene Fitzherbert in Tangled and…. well you get the idea....We are FANS!  I mean Emily even has her ring tone as “Terrified” a duet with Kathrine McPhee…yes he sings too, such a talented guy!  Emily’s birthday….a CHUCK birthday! Wow, I just re-read what I wrote, good thing Zac will never read this because I think he’d file a restraining order. Its kinda sounding stalkerish….yes that is now a word! J

   So, let’s get back to the tickets.  See CHUCK is at Comic-Con…Zachary Levi is CHUCK on the show. He also has a company called, “The Nerd Machine.” It celebrates nerds and technology…things that are very prevalent in my house!  So anyway, not only does Zac go to Comic-Con and do panels, he has panels with his own Nerd Machine right next to Comic-Con…..so cool! All you do is choose the panel you want to go to and buy tickets for 20 bucks each, all monies go to an awesome cause called ‘Operation Smile.’ It’s a win/win! One of the panels is with Sir Zachary Levi himself and it included a signing afterwards!! Yes, I said Sir and I plan on writing the Queen until she makes it official J So we were super excited. The day had finally come to purchase them. I log on to buy tickets and the site crashes! So many nerds at once what is server to do?! So not to miss when it was back up I signed up for tweets to my phone to get updates, because of that I did not set my phone down once! I would get messages…..back up in awhile…..in a bit….we are working on it…soon….in the morning at 10am….soon…..ok this afternoon at 3pm! Yep I did that for two days! My computer was on and ready to go at the sound of the whistle! There I was tired, grumpy and I could no longer feel my posterior . Then it was almost time 2:58…2:59….3:00….I hit refresh-refresh-refresh… BOOM…it was open!  BUY TICKETS *Add  to cart!…*Paypal…and *Submit…Then the screen turns white and says ERROR…NOOOOO!!! I try a few times no luck…I tried to use my phone instead….I get through! *Add to cart…*Paypal… and *Submit…and...it is doing that circle thingy that means it is processing then it turns white and says SOLD OUT! Okay now a normal person would say bummer, maybe next time. But not this gal, I slide off the couch in a puddle of tears, I am so upset you would have thought my dog just died. How could this be? WHHHYYYYY MEEEEEE! So dramatic…….STELLA! Okay maybe not that dramatic…but close! Then I get unreasonably mad at my hubby. I curse his name under my breath….Eric frick-a-fracken…curse you!!! If he was here he would have known what to do. He always does if the computer has issues. Stupid deployment! Okay, I am not really mad at him! But what I am I gonna tell my kids? They were so excited and I didn’t come through for them. Sure they would understand but the disappointed look on their faces, oh man I couldn’t bare it!! Then I did something I NEVER DO…I asked for help. I emailed The Nerd Machine. I mean heck what if everyone is having trouble? What if they did get my order…if not could they help? Do they have tickets I could buy, maybe left over ones?  I was a Mama on a mission. I look at my kids and I would do anything for them. This just couldn’t be it and I had to see what else I could do. And it wasn’t easy; I mean it when I say I never ask for help or favors. I don’t think we are more special than anybody else and I never want to bother anyone. But the fact remains as I see what my kids go through, especially Emily; I want to have those extra special moments in life to make up for what they miss out on.  So I took a chance and I got an email back…..it said “Can’t promise, but will I see what I can do.” Can I tell you I was over the moon. For two reasons, one being that there might be a chance and two, that someone took the time to care enough to even try to help us. In the world we live in this is rare and just the trying was enough to make my day! I won’t say his name incase folks read this, then he won’t get tons of letters asking for favors! He is an Angel and that is all I will call him!
 
   Well as Comic-Con came I didn’t hear back. And that was okay I knew what a crazy time that must be and how busy this Angel probably was with getting it all set up for The Nerd Machine. But my hubby, so far away felt a bit helpless. See if he was home, he would help me take Emily downtown and help try to catch Zac at his Nerd Machine Head Quarters..Nerd HQ which is not easy to do sitting in her chair for hours. Then there are the crowds, holy cow just trying to find a bathroom is a challenge. Taking care of her while still keeping tabs on Matthew downtown in Comic -Con Chaos, YIKES! So that is why for us having a set time and set place was so important. Eric is the kinda dad who would have done what he could to get her and Matthew his autograph, a handshake or a quick picture! It is for sure a two person job, but I was going to try to do what I could! It is amazing what you will do for your kids!

   As I told Eric of our plans he and I both said we should thank this Angel for even trying to help, because it meant a lot. And we didn’t want that to go unnoticed. So, my sweet hubby thanked him and then guess what? He got back an email…and it said……..“We’d love to help what are the names of the attendees?” WHAT???? I tried not to get excited, these things do NOT happen to us. I believe we are a blessed family but we are not very lucky! So I said nothing to the kids just in case, I had no idea what to expect or what he could do for us. There is hoping and there is reality! There was a brunch there at the Nerd HQ the same day as the signing, and Zac would be at it. So the kids knew about that and they thought that was the plan. They had no idea that possibly, hopefully we could go to the panel and signing! I wanted to say thank you for whatever was in store for us, so we bought a thank you gift for the Angel to give to him, I was so grateful and wanted him to know it. And we bought something for Zachary too if we did see him. We bought Navy stuff of course ;) and couldn’t wait to give it to them. 

    So the next day we woke up and my slug kids got ready in record time and practically in the car before I was! We get there and my expectation…I was just hoping the Angel was not on a coffee break and no one knew who we were and called “Security” on us! I really was just hoping to just get in the room for the panel or even watch it on a TV in an over flow room or something. I really had no idea what we were going to be allowed to do. We go inside and were greeted by a girl who said, “Oh yes we know who you are!” You do? Really?! She said she didn’t want us to have to wait in line and to come with her and she took us up into the elevator! The kids had no idea so the look on their faces was AWESOME! That was unexpected!! Then she said she was Zac’s sister! How cool is that! She was so sweet! She chatted with us for a few minutes and she sat us in chairs off to the side of the stage and asked if we needed anything…if WE need anything…ummmm pretty sure this is AMAZING and we are SO good! Then a man came over and said hello and said he was Zac’s dad! Seriously cool! We had a great conversation and he was just as sweet. What an amazing family! Then “Our Angel" came over. How do I possibly thank him?? This is far more than expected and deserved, I have no words and thank you just doesn’t seem to cut it! I handed him the gift we got him; a Navy shirt and Coin. He was very touched. He gives me a great big hug and says he is blessed by doing this. Wow! I was thinking how blessed we were! So it meant a lot that he felt the same way. It was such an amazing moment. I could kick myself for not taking a picture with him. He changed our lives forever!   

   So we watch the panel and much to our surprise not only was Zac there some of his co-stars were there!!! The crowd *ehem*cough* okay us too...went crazy! Joshua Gomez {Morgan} Mark Christopher Lawrence {Big Mike} and Adam Baldwin {John Casey}; Em and Matt were stunned! I was so caught up in the moment I didn’t take their picture, because the look on their faces was priceless! There before them sat half the people on their favorite show ever! The panel was great, they were funny and we even got to ask them a question! We had such a great time. It was surreal! Each week we watch these people and as silly as it sounds even though you don’t “know” them you care about them. Not just as a character, but as people. You really do get invested and hope good things for them. Ok again, I sound stalkerish again!! I mean it in the most non-stalkerish way possible!

   The panel was almost over and I wasn’t sure if we were going to be able to be a part of the signing, they had done so much already and if they said okay you are done we would have been very grateful for that. So when one of the Nerd Staff came over and said wait here when it is over we will get a group shot for you guys I couldn’t believe it! Really!? Again more than expected!! So she told everyone to stay seated please and lead us out, I figured they would have had us get out of the room first so Em didn’t get clobbered. Then his sister came over and took us to the signing table…okay....we went past the signing table…and through some curtains and to these glass doors and I am not gonna lie, my heart was beating like crazy for what I saw inside! They opened the doors and there they all were! Oh my goodness. Best part again the faces of my kids! This was WAY BEYOND and more then UNEXPECTED! Good thing when I met and hugged our Angel I did not know this was going to happen because I would still be hugging him and that would just be awkward after this amount of time and one of us would have surely had to use the bathroom by now! I truly had NO idea! 
   
   Zachary was so polite and he introduced himself….I wanted to say “WE KNOW, we totally heart you!” Adam introduced himself as well. He is a favorite too…I liked him since the movie My Bodyguard {circa 1980 thank you!} And the kids LOVE him as Casey on CHUCK. I will say they were all so very wonderful to us. They signed our magazines; they even gave us a poster. They took pictures with us and if that was not enough they even chatted with us. And may I say when you like an actor you so hope they are as cool as they seem and that they are a regular person who is living out their passion, that you really could hang out at a BBQ together or something. You don’t want them to be arrogant, rude or like they did you a favor by signing something. If that happened you’d be crushed! Well they did not disappoint us at all! Each one of them were just honest to goodness wonderful people. Zac and Adam talked with us the most. They were genuinely interested…yes I know they are actors J…but I don’t think they were acting!  They were gracious and we had a great conversation. They didn’t have to do that. Any of it really! They could have just taken a quick picture, or signed stuff and left and we still would have been thrilled. But they took the time to do all of that and then the time to talk with us. And I know they will meet a ton of fans in their lifetime and won’t go “Oh WOW we met the Larvia Family!”  And that is okay! But we totally will! We have an amazing story, they changed our lives forever! This was a wish come true! Emily is actually eligible for the Make-A-Wish we just never did it. There are so many other kids in need. And I do believe Emily deserves such fun things, her last surgery we almost lost her and it was an awful time for her, for us as a family. Thankfully she ended up being okay! So to have this happen was amazing and it didn’t take away from anyone else. I wish I could thank them ALL again, do something to show how grateful we are. I would love for Our Angel that made this possible, to know how much this meant to us. He answered an email and made all this possible and saying thank you still just doesn’t seem enough. And of course to say thanks to Zac, he was kind, caring and humble we are even bigger fans now! What a day! What a memory! One we will never forget!  

*And for those of you concerned about the dent on my couch from me sitting there for two days, because I know you totally are….I bought a BEAUTIFUL throw at Target…so don’t worry you can’t see the dent anymore! ;)

       Here are a few pictures from the event, a birthday and one important person who was missed from all of it...Dad! But there is always next year!

 
*See told you the throw was beautiful....so soft too! Of course now that I look at it, I want to comb the fringe straight....hmmm OCD much?

Happy Birthday Emily

15 years old?! What happened? It seemed like yesterday I had a sweet little baby girl. Now she is in the midst of being a teenager, trying to figure things out, feeling stifled by everything I do. Wanting to be heard and thinking she is old enough to get out there and do it all on her own. My Emily is a tough cookie. She tries really hard not to care what people think. She doesn’t put up with people’s “crap” for a lack of a better word. She can’t wait to get out on her own and have her own way to do everything.  

What I find funny is that I am not a full fledge girlie-girl I am not a tomboy either. I am a mix of both. I love a pretty dress and my chick flicks. I cry at movies; happy or sad. And when a movie breaks out in song my day is so much brighter. So when I had a girl, I assumed she would be my mini-me! She would love cartoons on a Saturday morning and help go to the hardware store in the afternoon. NOPE. I was so wrong. My daughter hates musicals; she was forced to watch Grease. How does MY daughter not love Sandy and Danny? She doesn’t like cartoons or sit and watch them like I did. In middle school and high school I watched ‘Jem and the Holograms’ and ‘Duck Tales.’ She hates stuff like that or any cartoon. I love vintage, rhinestones and the Andrew Sisters and she does not. I love making crafts and buying them at shows and she does not. I love Hallmark movies and cry at every one of them, she does not and gets mad if I make her sit with me. Hmmmm. I may have her DNA checked. But she looks like her Dad so I suppose she is ours!

It was so easy when she was a little girl. I dressed her in dresses, bows in her hair and she wanted to do everything I did. It was so sweet. Then she got older and then…….it went straight down hill. She started frowning at dresses and only wears them when nothing else is clean. She loves Horror movies. She loves staying home, she doesn’t like to go and do fun stuff like parks or swim at the pool. She would rather be home listening to music and on the computer. She hates to go out and browse around Target. What girl hates that? Especially my kid…Target is my FAVORITE?? She does like to get clothes thankfully, but hates trying them on. Well most girls hate that. But she would rather not buy it or have it not fit then to just try it on. She loves espresso dark coffee and buffalo wing sauce. I just assumed she would like what I do. I guess I just pictured us crying it up at Sleepless in Seattle and repeating every word. She is for sure her own person, sometimes out of who she is and sometimes out of spite I think!

I sure love her though. She is my Emily. The moment I was pregnant with her I knew she was a girl and I knew her name was Emily. I loved and still do Michael W. Smith and his song Emily. It made me cry when I first heard it and I knew I would one day have a little girl with that name

Caught, in an endless time
Waiting for a sign
To show you where to go
Lost, in a silent stare
Looking anywhere
For answers you don't know
Chorus:
On the wire
Balancing your dreams
Hoping ends will meet their means
You feel alone
Uninspired
Well does it help you to
Know that I believe in you
You're an angel waiting for wings...Emily

* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oL_ePIomM4&feature=related *

We sure have been through a lot with her. My heart ached when I was told my baby would be disabled. How could that be? I always dreamed of a pink healthy baby! I knew I would take her no matter what but my heart ached for her challenges ahead. My heart sank the first time she got her wheelchair, her “legs”. Maybe carrying her around as a baby I could almost forget. But that day as she sat there in her new chair I couldn’t stop the tears streaming down my face. As happy as I was to see her sweet smile she was so proud that she could just took off in it as fast as could be! I realized she would more than likely be stuck in a wheelchair her whole life. She would never twirl in a dress, going up and down a slide or rocking out at a school dance, or be walked down the aisle by her dad. I mean who pictures their child in a wheelchair? Life is hard enough. She has had so many surgeries and we have almost lost her a few times. No words could explain that feeling of wondering if this is the last time you can hug and kiss your child. Talk with them and laugh at something together or even fight about something together. My heart breaks as I see her sit with her friends. I want her to feel cute in her cute jeans and new top, to run around with them laughing and being silly. Instead her jeans and shirt are crumpled because she is always sitting. She can’t always go where her friends are going because there are so many places her chair won’t allow her to go. It is so unfair, but life is just that.

 How long will she live since her body takes such a toll every day? Will someone look past her disability and want to marry her?  She is okay now knowing she cannot have kids but will that someday break her heart? Will she understand it is too much on her body? Goodness all that on top of the regular stuff can certainly take its toll! Emily is a blessing and most days we are just fine, but there are some days it hits so hard I can barely breathe. But today is her birthday, it is a celebration! I LOVE her SO very much. I can’t wait to see as she is figuring it all out who she will be, what the end result will be.

So here is to my Emily, my Emilateta Conchita Tortilla y Taco Bella….Emmy, Emmers, Emmerson, and Happy Birthday Emily! I’ll love you forever. I’ll like for always. As long as I’m living my baby you will be!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I know Matthew has pictures of when he was a baby on his entry but in true teenage fashion I was told NO WAY MOM!!! So maybe I will sneak some anyway! ;)

Happy Birthday Matthew

So here it is…one more year left of being a ‘kid’ and then Matt will be a teenager! WHAT? I just wrote that right? It can’t be! There is no way my sweet little 7 pounder Matthew is 12 years old! How can this be? It seemed to all happen in the blink of an eye. I have enjoyed most of it. Yes, I said most! There were and there are days I think he is an alien set to destroy my homeland. He can be a wild and crazy kid. He loves to tear things apart and see how they work. But, “Hey, I never liked that toaster anyway.” There are moments he is stubborn as can be and he must get that from his dad; not me. Well he did! Eric is as bullheaded as can be but Matthew is stubborn….. Okay, like me! Yes there is a difference and since I am writing this blog bullheaded is waaaaay worse ;)

Matthew is as ornery as all get out. And his ability to make days seem never-ending is second to none! Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this kid! He can be such a sweetheart. He is never angry, I mean it I really have never seen him mad! He is always looking out for littler kids, he wants to be a big brother so badly he can't stand it. He is a great little brother but Emily just sees him as a pest, no matter how sweet he is to her. He wouldn’t hurt a flea. On rainy days you will find him saving all the worms and snails so they don’t die in the flood created in our driveway. Of course he brings them in the house and wants to keep them.{mom says no on that one!} He is very caring. He acts like my dad and he looks like my dad so much it catches me off guard sometimes! I mean just look at this kid. He is a mini sized….Jerry Leiker! Matthew will hold open doors for you and if he hears a noise near you he will yell, “You okay?” He cares and worries about people just like…Jerry Leiker. I can’t help but wonder what my dad would think of Matthew and how many fun pictures of adventures I would have taken of those two together. One time my dad pulled up to the house and Matthew saw him in his work shirt and hat headed to our door. Matthew ran to his bedroom and grabbed a hat, put it on and opened the door beaming as he matched his Papa! And my dad was so good without me saying a word; my dad scooped him up said, “Do you have a hat on just like Papa does?” Matthew smiled and said, “Matthew's just like Papa!” They were two peas in a pod and so sweet to watch! Boy I wish he was here now to help celebrate!

 I hope his birthday is an amazing one even though he is missing Eric right now. It hit him to the point he got all teary-eyed when we were at the store buying his plates and cups and other party goods. We are gonna try to have a fun day anyway and celebrate by going to his favorite place to eat {CHIPOTLE} yummy!!! We will also have one of his favorite dinners.  He either has goulash or steak. These are his two favorites. I told him I would even show him how to grill the steak if he chooses that! If he can’t decide maybe we will have both! We may just make it a birthday weekend. Why not!

At the moment Matthew is saving for a camera. He tries to get his hot little hands on mine all the time! He loves to mess with the settings. I know quite a bit so I have been trying to teach him what I know. He does have to save a lot so he is being very patient and he will have to wait for any Christmas money he may get. He will try to earn some money around here doing extra chores or maybe anyone else who will let him! So if you live nearby look out! ;)

I look back and recall the day he was born and all the memories in between. When he was little….OK last week….I go up to him and say "I need some chicken soup!"…and he turns his cheek to me and I slurp ‘chicken soup’ out of his dimples and then get dessert which is a smooch! So I am thinking since I am barely getting away with it now I better get in as many bowls of soup as I can. I tend to think when he is 13 next year that this will come to a screeching halt and he will look horrified at even the request… “Geez mom! Just get a can of Campbell’s!" …….*sob*sob* Man it is hard when they get bigger!

So here is to my Matthew, my Chicken, my Stinky Face…… I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo                                                       

Sweet Baby

My friends Tim and Robin just had this little cutie!! I am so happy for them. His name is Noah and he is just yummy!

There is nothing like a sweet newborn baby. The way they grunt and groan when you move them around. I just love the way they fit just right in the crook of your neck, their legs all curled up, and you hum as you pat their backs. That sweet smell you draw in from the top of their head. I always think men love the scent of a new car but women or at least this woman thinks the scent of a newborn is just, well.....heavenly!

I think back to when my "babies" where actually babies and not a 14 and 11 year old! How on earth did they grow so quickly? I used to have baby toys and diapers at the bottom of my purse. Then gold fish crackers and a Blue's Clues Notebook, then on to Hot wheels and Barbie Dolls. From there it was bigger kid stuff; chapter books, multiplication flash cards to practice at doctors offices and DMV waits. Now my kids have iPods, PSP's and are texting like crazy. Boy does my heart long for a crushed goldfish or hot wheels in the bottom of my purse. Once in awhile Matthew still carries around a few toys and my heart melts when I see them as I look for my wallet. He has one foot in being a "kid" but that other foot is moving quickly into being a teenager. Don't get me wrong I love both my kids dearly. But at times I just miss when they were little. The sweet new baby stage; caring for their every need, tender moments nursing in the wee small hours of the morning. All their firsts! The toddler stage; when they learn everything new and say things in their way like adding 'y' at the end of everything like cup...y or horse...y! Then the elementary stage; book reports, making Valentine's for the whole class and bringing cupcakes to school for their birthday. Now those things are no longer the focus and it is all about independence, hanging out with friends and NO Valentine's for whole the class......how embarrassing!!

There are good things too when your kids are older. No more tantrums, no more sippy cups and it is great to get to watch something besides kid shows! No Dora or Diego at this house!! So I am working on embracing my role as a mom of a 'pre' and full blown teenager. But I cannot help but long for a sweet little baby! Since I can't, thankfully, I have friends who do have little ones! They let me hold them and love on them! I get to be the fun "Aunt" and they get to come over play and have fun; then go back to mom and dad for the serious stuff! Mr. Noah is the newest of these so I thought I would share a picture I took the other day trying desperately to catch the moment on film before it flew by! Because soon baby toys will turn into cell phones with friends texting on the other end. And you will try desperately to hold as they desperately try to grow up and out of your reach. So don't blink you might miss it!!
xoxoxo

Goodness!

So I need to blog more.....I should....I want to...but I don't.

Life is crazy busy.

But I like blogging it is like a journal or a way to show what is going on.

What is going on?

Homeschool for Matthew...homeschooling is not for the weak! Goodness it is a lot of work! And a lot of pressure....if he fails that means I failed him! *gulp*

Teenagers are also not for the week. MAN ALIVE they are difficult creatures...love them..love mine....yet wanting to send mine to her room till she is over this whole teenage bit sounds like a plan to me! Aye Aye Aye, didn't know this season of my life would be so difficult!!

Husbands...husbands in the Military in paticular...are well, they are....BUSY BUSY and soon deployed...so that just sucks. It is fast approaching and it causes a lump in my throat. I am trying to enjoy the time before he goes with out letting the fact that he is going take over. It is hard.

Not much else, yet so much else! I meant to blog about Christmas...then Valentine's Day...so how about St. Patrick's Day? I do have some Irish in me! I wrote about being a military wife I should post that, also wrote about teenagers I should post that.....about homeschooling...about marriage...each one just needs to be tweeked...but then I get side tracked. So that is what I will do...tweek and post and try not to ohhh I need to call about geting Em a new wheelchair....Matt's braces....Em's braces...feet and her teeth...what was I saying ohhh not get side tracked! Got it!

These 3 lovely people keep me super busy!!! But I love them and wouldn't trade them in!
(Now I am going to repeat that 10 times so I can really sell it! ha ha ha!)



xoxo